This break from my job, from what I had previously seen as my life work, has given me the chance to step back and to evaluate if that is still where I need and want to be. And more and more I am coming up with the answer that it is not. My perspective has changed since having children. I set off on my career path into ordained ministry prior to having children and I think that was the right decision then. However, now I am not so sure that continues to be the right place for me.

I am exploring other options such as educational counseling where I can use my gifts of compassion and counseling which served me well in ministry. I can also use my passion for children. Having a child with special needs has also changed my perspective in ways that I could never have imagined. With school counselor I would have the opportunity to develop and share what I have learned from Tanner.

This is really difficult for me. Sometimes I feel as though I am abandoning the church or as though I failed. I also have a tendency to worry about what people will think and so tend to hold off. But I know that I can’t worry about that. I need to follow my heart and do what is right for me and my family. I think that this may be the right decision for me. I know that without my children I would not have come to this same decision. I don’t think that this career would have even been on my radar and if if was I am not sure if I would have thought about it or if I would have been as good then as I will be now.

Being a mom has changed my perspective on everything and what I see as important. I am so thankful to my 2 greatest teachers who have brought me to this new place in life.

I have been very resistant to a diagnosis because he felt like what others (especially at school) were saying was that was the sum total of who he is.  I do not want others to see him as the kid with “diagnosis” and not a gifted child with things to share.  I do not want him to view himself as a problem or as something less than. 

But even without a formal diagnosis I think that people do this.  They see the things that he cannot do or see if behaving in a way that they deem is different and so there is something wrong with him.  I also think that even without a diagnosis his self understanding is affected.  He asks me why some things are hard for him and not for other kids.  He sees himself as different and he does not always like that.

Because of the struggles that Tanner had in school, we homeschooled him this past year and will again this school year.  And the diagnosis question is popping up again, but I am now thinking about it.  My thinking now is that maybe it could help me understand him better and understand the ways that he learns and processes information.  I want to help him to be successful in the world and in his life.  If we pursue this, I want to do it in such a way that we are able to affirm his strengths and help him to recognize them.  Ultimately, I want him to see his primary identity as a Loved and Gifted child of God.

But then I had the opportunity to hear Doug at the Church Basement Roadshow in Fresno and was moved by his words.   I found myself saying Yes! to much of what he had to say.  Reading his book and hearing him speak was affirming for me.  At times living where I do, I don’t have the opportunity to connect with others who have an emerging faith.  I also felt that he articulated things that I may have simply been floating around in my head.  I highly recommend his book.

Part of the struggle has been that we don’t really have a church community to call our own.  Being without it has made it clear to me the important role that the community of faith can and should play in raising faithful children.  Parents cannot do it alone.  This was not what God intended for any of us.  

I know the important role that my church family played for me growing up and I want the same thing for my children.  I just can’t find a community that we all feel accepted.  My husband and I have talked about starting a community in our home but still don’t know really where to go to find people who would be interested in something like this. 

As I reflect on this it makes me aware that I need to open to the leadings of the Holy Spirit for my faith and the faith of my children.

In the last congregation I served, I was given the opportunity to develop a gift based volunteer ministry program.  I thought this would be an exciting opportunity to help people discover their gifts and either celebrate what they were already doing in the life of the church and in the community or to help connect them with opportunities where they would use their God given gifts.   I quickly became frustrated when the success of the program was to be measured by how many people we placed in ministry volunteer opportunities within the life of the congregation.   It was as though what they did in their daily life did not count as ministry.  I knew  there was more to ministry.  God does work outside of the church to transform lives.    

This past month I was able to experience God working through an incredible group of people outside the church.  I have an 8 year old son with special needs.   He has had trouble finding a place where he fits and is accepted.  Even church has been difficult at times.   We are always looking for a place for him where people will see him as we do, where people will look beyond his disabilities and he him as God does.   We found a place, Happy Trails Therapeutic Riding Academy.  It is a horseback riding academy for people with disabilities.  And they see them as kids pure and simple.  They see the beauty that each rider possesses.  That imago dei.  My son has begun to see himself differently from his experience at Happy Trails and the staff and volunteers who are there to have encourage the riders. 

The staff and volunteers of Happy Trails are active in ministry.  They may not see it that way but from my family’s experience that is exactly what it was.  God is active in that place working with the staff to bring about the Kingdom for a group of special needs kids and their families.